Those Phone Calls

It has been a year since I last saw you mom. And there is something about a year, because it's not two months, four or six months, it's one year. The back of my mind is yelling ow my god it has been one year. I managed not to cry from missing my family all this time, I made it, I put this thing whatever it is on my heart and I didn't let it hurt or feel pain from missing them. I have no idea how I did it, but I did not cry from longing all this year.

So my mind is trying to convince me that it's fine now, it keeps saying you can let go, feel what you need to feel, you did great, let it go, cry, feel sad. Because it has been one long year. I have always felt like I have two brains, maybe because I'm a freaking Gemini, if that what those things do to you, I have no idea. But I don't want to, there is no point from turning myself into a big bowling mess.

All I could do is call , I called you every day mom. I was so scared not to call one day and miss something from your life, I wanted to know everything, that's why I always wanted to call you at night, so you could tell me about your day and I tell you about mine.

We don't say we miss each other or we love each other, we never been the kind of people who expressed their feeling in words, we just don't. Maybe once or twice you said you miss us, me and my baby, and I said we miss you too. But I know you miss me as much as I miss you if not more, and you are hurting as I do.

If I missed calling you one day, I feel as if I'm out of your life, as if I'm out of everybody's life, I needed to know what you all are doing, what did my dad do today, and I feel so happy if you tell me he did something he always does, I felt like things are still the same somehow.

I needed that phone call to keep me in touch with something bigger and more complicated that just checking on you. It was my way of feeling connected, pretending I'm still there, I know the details of your lives, so I could feel that I'm not really gone. But deep down I knew that wasn't true.

I'm gone, I'm no longer part of your life or anybody else's life. I'm alone, and so is you. But, we pretend to be fine, so we can stay strong and keep each other strong, even if what we really want to say is that this is not good, this is not fine, we want to cry because it hurts to miss this much.

After sometime, I felt you almost didn't want to talk anymore, you would just listen to me talk about my day and what my baby does, I would ask you about yourself and you only say you are good, and right then I'm telling myself that I'm too sick and tired of these stupid phone calls, god I hate them.

You never told me the bad things, you never told me about the problems or the bad things, I always learned about them from my brothers somehow, because you don't want me to worry. You didn't tell me my dad almost died one night, my brother told me later. After that, when we talk on the phone, I feel like someone blind who is trying to sense signs in people's voices, I listen to you and I try to feel if you are really fine, and everybody is good. She seems normal I tell myself, I think everything is really okay.

But, It feels better when you tell me that you guys are happy because I'm happy, and that's all you would ask for, and that comforts both our hearts.